there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
Every concussion has its silver lining
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
i just woke up, first off why is there pineapple everywhere and who's underwear is on my ceiling fan ?
She was crying and pulled the collar of her shirt up to blot the tears. And then she just kept her head there. And stopped crying. "My boobs are just too amazing for me to cry." her words not mine please help she's still in that position
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
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