1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
he has officially spend more money on me than any other boy. and its all gone to plan b. awesome.
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
u girls! girls! girls! have fun please don't hook up w/ a roadie! Love, mom
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
He took getting"shit in your neighbors hot tub drunk" way to literally
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
Me and some guy are crying in a port a potty together after another guy broke up with both of us.
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
Randomize
