she tasted like a mixture of sweat and destiny
It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
You probably shouldn't be hiding under someones bed listening to them get head
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
I'm having a flashback of telling a guy that he was beautiful and graceful like a unicorn while playing shuffleboard.
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
Well she described you as a "Sex-Viking", which seemed to be only slightly related to the red beard. So things are looking good!
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
he appreciated my fucking vagina for two hours he can appreciate my honesty
somehow a ride to walgreens turned into a threesome.
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
Hi. I have frying pans taped to my feet. I achave to go the hospital, theyre on pretty tight. Can't feel legs bring me juice
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