I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
So I paid for the taxi using pennies and hair clips, no need to thank me.
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
Plus now I feel weird sleeping with you. It's like shooting a three legged deer. It's already at a disadvantage and couldn't get what it's full potential deserves.
is there any kind of "im boning my neighbor and he happens to be a manager at walmart" discount that our new relationship entitles me to??
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
I put on a face mask and masturbated for an hour... my face now has a green tint
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