she woke up with a sticky ear
Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
there's something wrong with the internet when a search for "barney the dinosaur violence" comes up with nothing
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
Do I really need this much space in my mouth?
Are you already high?
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
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