i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
Found a joint walking to class. I feel like the environment is rewarding me for being green.
Is it a bad thing I remember to take my birth control when I stumble across guys I've had sex with on facebook?
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
There was blood everywhere. She was pretty good looking person though.
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
so.. please tell me you did not really sleep on the washing machine last night
guilty
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
Randomize
