So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
Like that girl needs to get her shit together. For her vagina's sake.
I can't. I can't get out. He cooked me food. And made me jager bombs. And painted a glow in the dark smilie face on my boobs
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
I knew it was on when he was dancing on stage and I gave him a dollar so in return he ripped my tit out of my shirt and started sucking on it IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BAR.
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
that pic of me and the hulking football player sure does come in handy when creepy guys hit on me at the bar.
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
Randomize
