My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
I don't remember anything past "we have 15 minutes to drink this keg."
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
No, supporting your unemployed boyfriend IS NOT what credit cards are for.
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
I went to an 8am hookup in another guys sweatpants. Who is the really player here?
I got snowed in at my parent's. everyone's asleep so I'm smoking a joint in my old room and watching Tarzan on a 12" tv.
They must be so glad to have you home...
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
Randomize