I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
I discovered the grieving process is shock, denial, anger...and then something about drinking until you puke on yourself
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
Triple a is towing cars for free tonight and tomorrow night. Can we take advantage of this ?
Ok, so technically yes she wore a red tank top to the stoplight party. But under it was a yellow bra and green panties.
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
Nah, he's definitely here somewhere. Whether he survived the night or not is your problem, but I'm pretty sure he's around.
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
IN OTHER NEWS did you guys see Orlando Bloom's penis today? I did
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
if wiping your ass w an envelope isnt the definition of hitting "financial rock bottom " then nothing is!
Literally.... Guy kissing himself in mirror in this hotel elevator
Randomize
