what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
Dude so coolest charity idea ever, think aids walk but instead of miles you drink beers oh the possibilities
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
I cannot even describe to you the most amazing ass I have ever had the pleasure of seeing walk up the stairs in front of me just now.
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
On the food pyramid big dick are "sometimes foods"
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
quit whining, rub some dirt on it, and lets get out there
its my penis
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize
