I would fuck her until my dick fell off. then i would fuck her with your dick.
i now know how you feel when you have to walk me home. she ran into a streetlight and into garbage.
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
I just felt emotion and I'm not okay with it
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
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