I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
I woke up, not remembering how or when or why i was even there and looked over to find Steph spooning with an adult black man.
It wasn't a wasted relationship. I got road-head in an Escalade. I still keep that with me.
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
I fell asleep while studying last night and woke up smelling like whiskey and sex... words can not describe how confused I am
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
my ass is still wet. this is highly unpleasant. give me 5 to get changed and I'm all yours. or you can yell things to me while I shower and burn clothes
Easy Mac and you are the sexiest things in my life
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
Randomize
