What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
He is the one I "technically" lost my virginity to.
I feel like you never had a virginity..
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
You're always so generous when it comes to your dick.
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
I want to fuck the side burns off of Steve.
he just left the suite without pants on wrapped in Christmas lights
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
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