You have more facebook pictures than most towns have people.
so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
dude i need to stop getting high. i cant afford to eat like this...
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
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