I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
imagine if we didn have a dick. we would be so much more productive
Does it really count as two different guys if they're brothers? I like to think of it as one and a half.
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
found inexpensive tickets to Norway. Questioning if its legal. PLEASE tell me you remebered the walkie talkies and face paint.
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
She's working this semester. Her dad saw he was listed as 'the atm' on her phone and cut off tuition for three months.
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
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