Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
I currently don't understand fingers.
Dear god my vagina.
The weekend was a blur. There was vodka and penises and orgasms. I played a game of Cock Roulette and won big
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