he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
is it bad if I use the term bowl as a measurement of time, as in how long it takes to smoke a bowl?
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
It was confusing and full of hummus
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
I rode on his Vespa around Florence and fucked him in an empty train. It was like a way sluttier version of Lizzy McGuire
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
I just laughed so hard that my back cracked so hard that I thought I was cumming. Magic
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
he just kept biting everyone and singing hilary duff songs. i can't even bring him to a gas station.
Randomize
