And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
Ok John needs to move to the other side of the county. I do not like to be approached for a blow job in the produce section of Holiday Market.
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
I have experienced an excessively hairy ballsack in my mouth...and it was horrifying. I keep feeling it in my mouth now. It's like hairy ball PTSD.
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
I don't know if I'm having early flu symptoms, a miscarriage, or am badly hungover. Web md agrees.
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