i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
You said that about some fat chick sitting on the base of a lamp post and puking. Downright heroic.
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
Dude respond to my evite. You're either coming to the orgy or not.
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
apparently when we were gone the parents play strip connect 4
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
I'm glad you threw up in my bed because now we talk.
Come over I need help. I just almost died in an acid flashback while listening to do You Feel Like We Do off of the Frampton Comes Alive album.
Randomize
