I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
I just hope this isn't happening Final Destination style
Travis Barker would totally be Devon Sawa in this scenario
is it bad that I didn't wash the cum out of my hair because it keeps my curls intact?
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
Nah, he's definitely here somewhere. Whether he survived the night or not is your problem, but I'm pretty sure he's around.
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
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