i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
I mean I found and stalk his moms facebook.. that obsessed.
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
porn star boner night. come get it.
I just helped a group of highschool stoners find a safe place to smoke I feel like a responsible rolemodel
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
We couldve played the bring a random boy to lunch game but i made him go home
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
Oh well, he'll live. He has a hand and a penis.
Randomize
