Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
he came faster then a bring it on movie goes to dvd
It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
we drove through mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu. We told the workers that were making Super Size Me 2, drove away without paying and told them to bill our producer.
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
I called for backup and had two guys carry him to the shower. The bigger guy offered to wash his hair.
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
She frightens me and turns me on at the same time. She's a keeper
Restraining order pending?
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
Randomize
