I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
4 words: hood of his car
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
It happened again. Now theres even more baby powder and its all over the place, I'm not cleaning that house.
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
We smoked speed and opium for the first time. ended up harvesting cucumbers with locals at 9am in a farmers field. Laos is fuckin crazy.
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
Honestly the prospect of dick really lifts a girl's spirits
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
Found out that I went to the same elementary school as the guy I'm hooking up with. Kosher or no
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
Randomize
