From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
I distinctly recall there being a "I can't be dead 2maro" stipulation to going out last night. There's been a breech of contract
Is it penis luge time yet?
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
Hes a nice guy and all but I'm only interested in his drunken alter ego.
Cock is NEVER random. You may quote me on that.
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
I didn't know I was invited to an orgy.
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
you said it was a life or death situation, being your partner for beer pong doesn't count
Randomize
