Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
Before I left he asked me if I could submit my panties for the frat house undergarment chandelier. I said yes
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
plus there's no nice way to tell a guy you physically hate the shape of their cock.
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
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