This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
I try to help out whenever I can. Speaking of rough nights I woke up half naked on Brady's couch with bloody paper towels duct taped to my foot.
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
Jäger goes great with personal crises and receding morals...
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
You ever sit back and realize our friendship is based off us ranting at each other with random animal photos thrown in
i sent him a nude and he responded 6 hours later
what did he say?
"oh m god,,, whow '!!!!nm"
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
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