You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
had to go back to that apartment this morning to get my other boot. it was tacked to the wall
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
