Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
i think you lost all your innocence when you were caught straddling a fence in your thong & cowboy boots by the 40 year old apartment manager
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
Waffles and pussy, what else is there?
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
looked it up online and zoo tickets are only 20 bucks and there's also a museum of science close to the hotel.
i'm not going to a FUCKING museum. i want to be wasted and possibly double penetrated... have you EVER been on vacation?
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
Randomize
