You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
His mom just described him as a manipulative, deceitful bastard -- oddly I still want him
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
And the cops are back. At least my pants are on this time
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
Are we at that level of friendship where we can share slutty stories and not hold it against the other person at a later date ?
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
Randomize
