I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
we fucked the fort apart but we'll rebuild it after we get some drinks.
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
Its not chugging if its just one gulp
Listen you let me know what you're doing after drinking rum punch all morning
we should start a freak-out-the-cashier-contest. I just bought JerseyShore Season2, red high heels, and nipple soothing pads
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
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