Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
