My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
walking on gravel proved too much for her barefeet so she traded her bra for some guys sneakers.
My dad hugged me and said I love u. I'm glad I didn't pull out that night.
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
I may have been to starbucks and 2 classes with balls still written on my face...
He said finals are more important than getting stoned on 4/20. I'm proud in a disappointing kinda way
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
Some guy just stopped me in the bar and asked if I had a shot named after me at another bar called God damn my VaJana hurts? He already knew my name was Jana so I couldn't deny it!
Lesson learned. Kayak oars are not golf clubs....check
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
Dude you spoke to a girl about CRICKET. She MUST want sex
just ran into my drill sergeant from basic 4 years ago. gonna take him home and have him fuck me at the cadence of quick time.
he said he was going to fuck me like a rabbit in heat. What he should have said was faster then a train and over before a commercial
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
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