Hahahhahaha! Oooh get it! Ugh I am so dead but if I go to the lib whuich I will hopefully b havung sex instead, ill hit u up
i was more sad about losing him as neighbor on fishville than as a boyfriend
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
Like please, take your microdick and try to stick it someplace else. It is not welcome in my world.
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
Randomize
