i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
pre-gaming in the library. just gonna keep going until i'm too drunk to keep working and then i'll be there.
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
I have a tab of a google image search of onion rings open and it is making me so happy.
My boobs keep hanging out of this shirt. I think thats the style I'm going for tonight
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
Randomize
