Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
He puked at the bar then immediately procceded to slip in it, they loaded him up into a wheelchair, then the staff and myself walked him outside, all the while never having to pay for our tab. SO using this strategy again
let's get a trip to cabo together for next spring... they have to have forgotten about me by now
he just used "boss" and "boner" in the same sentence. I cant respond.
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
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