i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
mark tries to be a total badass to make up for the fact that he's a poor man's pete wentz
i just saw an asian skipping down the street and it made me think of you
Gordon Ramsey's restaurant in NY is $150 each for the chef's menu
So you're taking me there this weekend?
oh, looks like he just opened a new restaurant right by us- it's called "McDonald's". Must be scottish food.
dude she's married.
so? a ring don't cover no holes.
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
But theres a keg here and me gusta
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
I can see the future and your future is full of penis
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
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