she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
at the hospital. the stripper fell on his face when she was trying to grab the dollar bill out of his mouth with her ass. broken nose for sure.
sick fucks of a feather flock together
I was making out with him, and then his friend randomly took off my pants and started going down on me. My first semi-threesome was a success.
So half of us were already throwing up outside when the Ukrainians ask us if we're ready to start partying yet. I love this country.
he just sat there, in the doorway of my dorm room, chuggin a fifth like nobodys buisness.. don't know whether to fuck him or be afraid of his confidence
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
You can achieve whatever you wish in your imagination with some help from drugs
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
Randomize
