would you object to me following you around all the time with a video camera and selling it to TV? Your life could make me millions.
I'm constantly one strobe light away from an E flashback
Well the "Blackout with your sack out" party turned out predictably.
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
ARE YOU OKAY?
Physically? Yes. Morally? No.
He told me to keep watching the Grammys and then went down on me.. I think I'm in love.
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Randomize
