Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom
I know that feel bro
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
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