Maybe I lied like you did about your herpes.
I saw that some person on TFLN used a bag of wine as a pillow. I tried it last night. I forgot to close the spout. I woke up and thought my face had a period
If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
Randomize
