Ugh now I'll have to carry around an overnight bag to all the bars I visit tonight. but hey! maybe I'll meet a dude! And need it!
Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
just found the deal breaker
hairy back?
he can't live within 1000 ft of a school
I went with the blow up doll and I'm glad I did.
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
He told me his cum shot melted the paint on his bedroom wall and asked if I want to see it
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
he put a condom on for a handjob WTF
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