make any headway on the foot/dick situation?
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
Posh spice and Baby spice both in one night. Fantasy complete. God bless halloween.
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
This is a whole new generation of premature ejaculators
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
Standing straight up with intensity he came in his own mouth. I know this because he showed me the video from five different angles when asked if I would like him to demonstrate. And I did.
Randomize
