when she was cumming she looked like terri schiavo. it took all of my memorized porn images to not go limp.
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
just to let ya know we might have to take a stripper snowboardin sometime
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
is there any kind of "im boning my neighbor and he happens to be a manager at walmart" discount that our new relationship entitles me to??
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
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