I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
If we could give a gymnastic score to drunken nights, I would be a part of the Fab Five.
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
So feel off my bed lastnight into the trashcan. On the plus side i thought under my bed was a cave and i went exsploring
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
Randomize
