saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
She went from zero to smokin in five shots
People were stuck in the elevator screaming and freaking out. I banged on the door and yelled, "fire depart!" They got excited and then I ran away. lolz
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
I knew the night had taken a turn when we showed up and our flabongo was being chilled in the freezer.
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
I'M NOT READY TO BE AB ADULT YET!!!
I want to just live in between your butt cheeks.
When he swipes my v card it will be comparable to my bat mitzvah. should I make sweatshirts or sweatpants?
You threw up a gallon of vomit. I really have never seen anything like it in my decade of partying.
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
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