Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
they just tried to tell me they weren't big into drugs. A) it was the 70's. B) I've seen the pictures.
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
How good was the sex? She sent me a fruit basket the next day.
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
I just want to see you and express my feelings in a drunken manner, but in a sweet way like my english accent.
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
I feel like everything in my life has been preparing me for my future sex robot experience
You’re so close!!!
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