We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
So drunk. Washed my hair un pancheros sink cus I was so hot.
She passed out in his mom's bed and when we went to go get her she went 'no its cool I live here'.
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
you made me suck your tit in the car and kept saying "good boy. I love you so much. good boy."
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
Listening to sad Lana Del Rey songs together is an integral part of the lesbian bonding process
Don't drag this out. All I need to know is if I have to put pants on or not.
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
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