Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
And dont forget my 23rd birthday where with no underwear i crawled through the cage of the police car. Dont get drunk be fore you get drunk.
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
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