Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
I love my bros weed
Im gonna hate it in like 20 mins though
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
What goes on in that head of yours?
Gay sex, for the most part. Why?
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
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