there's paper in my vomit.
wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
ol I'll be okay, it's only a christmas party so the worst that could happen is I end up playing madden naked again
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
don't forget friday is see who can get the most free drinks at the gay bar contest. winner gets $50
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
Seriously my new passion in life is the girth of his penis
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
