I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
But he buys me breakfast and goes down on me THATS HARD TO FIND
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
I feel like I grabbed someones dick last night, & if I didn't I'll be disappointed in myself
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
Do you think I could use my teacher of month Award to get free drinks?
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
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