I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
My lower body still feels like its been through a garbage disposal and a trash compactor. In that order.
do you know how hard it is to bring up the "what do I do if you conk out while we're fucking" conversation while maintaining the dignity of.the narcaleptic girl you just met?
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
Remember Christopher who always sends me pictures of his penis? Look to your right, boy in the blue.
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
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