you definitely have a few illegitimate kids
probs. Not too worried about it though. MOst girls are too embarrassed that they let me into their pants that they'll never admit its mine
He washed my hair whilst I gave him head in the shower. Bored or gay?
Why do I feel like I'm not the only one drinking to make my night class teacher look better?
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
k. The important thing is we are going out. You are stones. I am mildly hallucenating.
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
Randomize
