She actually asked me 'is it in yet?' I deleted the vid.
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
Please brint me miilk. I am on the floor but my door is open. Thank you, i appreciate u verry much.
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
you just have the mind of an innocent, non-tainted child.
YOU KNOW THAT'S BULLSHIT BECAUSE YOU'RE THE REASON IT'S BULLSHIT
He poured champagne on my pussy while he ate me out. I found my unicorn.
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
I made him dinner in just his cowboy hat and my boots after we did it...you should see his face :)
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