Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
When we were grinding I think your nuva ring fell into my shoe
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
Well I sent him a pic of my vagina and sent back a pic of his puppy....so there's that
Instead of getting a taxi some gay black guy drove us home. He is trying to break into the taxi business
Way to promote small business.
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
Randomize
