Swine flu. Run for my life!
Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
I denied three guys and puked everywhere because I love you.
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
while you laid on the ground I poured water into your mouth out of dog bowl some random guy walks by and said now that's what I like to see.
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
We hooked up. It felt slightly wrong considering he is my foreign exchange student but there's a reason America imports. Foreigners got the goods.
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
Kings cup with teenagers tonight
Done deal
World Cup Drinking Game: Take a shot every time they call a foul for something we don't understand. Gotta risk it to get the biscuit.
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
i cant hook up i'm covered in egg rolls
Randomize
