can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
yeah a little bit of me felt bad about it. But the rest of me was having sex with him.
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
so serious though like its almost like I'm playing a game that's my life and Im always losing
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
Randomize
