can a staight man not wear seersucker in this town?
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
i think i'd rather have a trophy of a like jizz stained curtain or something
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
You told me when we were leaving the club if I could pin point your nipple through your padded bra you would show me if I was right.
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
I feel like on the last day of finals we should run around campus dressed like Moses screaming "LET MY PEOPLE GO!!!!"
I'll start the recruiting
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
Randomize
