I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
And my fence, why is part of it on the roof?
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
is that a crab cake on the shelf with the dvd's....?
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
jake and the teradactyl broke up, operation get high and find him a new girl who hasn't had sexual experiences with three delts simultaniously is in full effect.
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
I'm seriously considering selling my books back early. I don't use them anyways and I could really use the beer money..
Tequila shots and throwing it at a bell.
This is dumb. I'll keep doing it.
after we fucked i left the room and when i came back he was patting his dick whispering "prouda you lil guy...prouda you"
Randomize
