How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
I don't know what he sees in her. All I see are horrible pancake nipples
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
Want to get together for a boner voyage before you leave?
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
I I was gonna wake him up with a blow job but I don't know how he would feel about it.
How are they?
Amazing! These new boobs are going to break blouse buttons and wedding vows!
Randomize
