I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...
yeah so our basement was flooded 4 feet. we just smoke and drank and then went swimming. gotta make the best out of it
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
Could we try to replay the decision making process whereby only you and I bought and drank a keg this weekend? Because there were some fundamental flaws!
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
He drives a PT Cruiser.... that should have been my first clue.
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
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