oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
cliffnotes. writing studyguide on last pack of smokes. glad this semester is over.
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
threw up on my 7.30 AM placement test. Never again
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
I'm gonna try Jim's breakup remedy this weekend.
Is that the one where you drink 3 cases of beer and rewatch as much WWE RAW as you can find? Or the one where you hookup with fatties on Craigslist?
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
Randomize
